-“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”


-Sonja: “Judgment of any system, or a prior relationship or phenomenon exists in an irrational, or metaphysical, or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract empirical concept such as being, or to be, or to occur in the thing itself, or of the thing itself.”  Boris: “Yes, I've said that many times."


-“This fool thinks that serfs should run the country. Why not the criminal elements... or the Jews?”


-“ And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that ‘I run through the valley of the shadow of death’ - in order to get OUT of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly, you see.”

"Sleeper" Woodyisms

-Death: “You're an interesting young man. We'll meet again.”  Young Boris: “Don't bother.”  Death: “It's no bother.”


-“There are many different types of love, Boris. Love between a man and a woman, love between a mother and a son...” “Love between two women, let’s not forget my favorite.”


-“You are a great lover.” “Thanks. I practice a lot when I’m alone.”


-“Hey, some Jews are smart, although I hear their women don’t believe in sex after marriage.”

-“Sex without love is an empty experience.” “Yes, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.”

-“Kant was right. The mind imposes order. It also tells you how much to tip.”


-“God is silent. Now if we can only get man to shut up.”


-Napoleon: “I heard you speaking to someone.”

Sonja: “Oh, I was praying.”

Napoleon: “But I heard TWO voices.”

Sonja: “Well, I do both parts.”

-“Then, one day, at the height of my well-being, for no apparent reason I was seized with an urge to commit suicide.”


-“He'll go and he'll fight, and I hope they will put him in the front lines”.  Boris: “Thanks a lot, Mom. My mother, folks.”


-“I eventually grew into full manhood. Well, not full, I was only 5’6, which is not technically a full man in Russia, although you can still own property.”


-“I never want to marry, I just want to get divorced.”