“I haven’t seen my analyst in 200 years. He was a strict Freudian. If I’d been going all this time, I’d probably almost be cured by now.”


“I'm great physically. I got a Ph.D. in oral sex.” “Yeah, they make you take any Spanish with that?”


“This stuff tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.”


Miles Monroe: “Where am I anyhow, I mean, what happened to everybody, where are all my friends?”

Dr. Aragon: “You must understand that everyone you knew in the past has been dead nearly two hundred years.”

Miles Monroe: “But they all ate organic rice!”


 “I’m what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there’s an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.”


“What’s it feel like to be dead for 200 years?” “Like spending a weekend in Beverly Hills.”

“They’ll melt your brain...”  “My brain? That’s my second favorite organ!”

“That's a big chicken.”

“I’m not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.”


“Is he housebroken or is he going to leave batteries all over the floor?”


“I'm a clarinet player in 1973, I go into the hospital for a lousy operation, I wake up 200 years later and I'm Flash Gordon!"


“I'm always joking, you should know that about me; it's a defense mechanism.”

“You don’t believe in science, and you also don’t believe that political systems work, and you don’t believe in God... so what do you believe in?”


 “I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.”


“It’s hard to believe that you haven’t had sex for 200 years.” “204, if you count my marriage.”


“Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It's a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.”


“I didn’t do anything! I’m a nice person, I have good goals, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and I’ve never forced myself sexually on a blind person.”


Miles Monroe: “Perform sex? Uh, uh, I don't think I'm up to a performance, but I'll rehearse with you, if you like.”

Luna Schlosser: “Okay. I just thought you might want to; they have a machine here.”

Miles Monroe: “Machine? I'm not getting into that thing. I, I'm strictly a hand operator; you know, I, I... I don't like anything with moving parts that are not my own.”

"Sleeper" Woodyisms


“You learned about sex in school?” “Of course, where did you learn about it?”


“I think we should have had sex, but there weren't enough people.”


Luna Schlosser:  “Oh, I see. You don't believe in science, and you also don't believe that political systems work, and you don't believe in God, huh?”

Miles Monroe: “Right.”

Luna Schlosser: “So then, what do you believe in?”

Miles Monroe: “Sex and death - two things that come once in a lifetime... but at least after death, you're not nauseous.”


“My mother. When I asked her where babies came from, she thought I said “rabies.” She said you get them from being bitten by a dog.”